Musings on death and dying

I am no stranger to death nor dying. I watched my father die in front of me, I watched my grandfather die from Cancer, I woke up to the news of my sister's death, I answered the phone to the news of friends that were gone. I once got a text message that a friend had committed suicide. Death is an inevitable part of life, it's kinda ironic.

I do not think that I am scared of dying, in fact there is little that I truly fear. My mother suffers from ornithophobia which is an irrational fear of birds. Trust me when I say that Trafalgar Square was not a good place to take my mother to on a trip to London. I have friends that suffer from anxieties. I have none of that and so I struggle to understand it. I have my complexes about my looks and body, but I am not fearful nor do they cause me anxiety to the point where I can't function. Maybe if I knew I was dying I would feel differently but I hope that when I go, I go quickly. I always think that while I lost them quickly, I am grateful that I didn't have to watch either my father or sister suffer nor have to make any decisions about life support as I have seen others have to do. 

In the Jewish religion we observe many customs around death. I grew up pretty Orthodox and so what I know is likely the strictest in terms of tradition. We do not believe in cremation, the body must return intact to the earth. As Jews, we are prohibited from desecrating the body by artificial means. This is why tattoos are traditionally banned, and in fact as a kid I was told that you could not be buried in a Jewish Cemetery if you were tattooed. Similarly you were buried in a separate section if you committed suicide, for the same reason. There are ideas around tattoos and cremation by gas chamber in the Holocaust that are debated in terms of modern burial and acceptance. I am tattooed, but I am not comfortable with being cremated. Arrangements are usually coordinated by the Jewish Burial Society (Chevra Kadisha). The burial must occur as soon as possible, preferably within 24 hours and until it occurs the body is laid on the ground or a flat surface with the head elevated and a volunteer guardian (Shomer) sits with the body at all times. The body is prepared (purified) for burial, a man washed by men, a woman washed by women by a process called Tahorah. The body is then dried and dressed in a simple white shroud (Tacharim) made of fabric such as linen that is sewn and consists of multiple pieces but no knots. This practice originated thousands of years ago following a rabbinic decree because people were spending too much money, which most could not afford, on funeral expenses not wanting to show the deceased less honour than others showed their loved ones. The Rabbi demanded that he be buried in the simple white linen that the High Priest wore in the Temple as it seemed fitting to wear that which was used to pray in. One is buried alone, without accompaniments or pockets, as you can't take anything with you. Ideally the body is placed directly into the ground, but when a coffin is used you may only use a simple pine box, with no metal, often having holes drilled into the bottom so that both the body, shroud and coffin return to the earth. Through these simple practices, it demonstrates that everyone is equal in death, both rich and poor and frees the bereaved family from any sense of duty to spend more than they can afford. In the modern world today, where cremation is more acceptable, the preference is to at minimum bury the ashes rather than scatter them. There are many customs that are observed following the funeral, but this post is not about that. 

In Canada we have recently had an End-of-Life Law upheld by the Supreme Court that allows for Doctor-assisted suicide. Canadian adults in grievous, unending pain have a right to end their life with a doctor's help as stated by the Court, the "sanctity of life" also includes the "passage into death". Naturally this has resulted in much debate and discussion. I know if it were me I would likely consider it as an option, especially knowing what a disease like Cancer can do to a body and mind. But again, as with my lack of fear of dying, I could feel very differently in a different situation. Today I listened on the news to concerns about nurses suffering from a form of PTSD from the assisted suicide process. I wonder how different that would be to the palliative care nurses that work in a Hospice? And I think that the problem with the concept is the word "suicide" that implies a want to die, as opposed to a want to not suffer. 

I don't quite understand suicide. I have had two close friends kill themselves, and one try but (thankfully) fail to do so. I was deeply affected by these acts. I questioned the methods, thinking that if it were me I would do it differently. And I questioned the reasons, not understanding how one can reach that deep, dark place, where there is no other option but death. My mother has threatened suicide many times, but we (my sister and I) never took her seriously. Once we gave her bottles of pills and told her to get it over and done with and we would be back in an hour. She was still lying there when we came back. She still threatens. I still tell her to go ahead. 

This year I followed the story of Brittany Maynard, a young woman in the US, suffering from an incurable glioblastoma (brain tumour). She was given six months to live and decided not to pursue any treatment. Because of the painful and difficult impending death she also decided to die with dignity, choosing a day in advance and becoming an advocate for this choice. She spent her last months campaigning and fulfilling her last wishes with her family that including traveling to places she wanted to see before she died. Her message was that she wanted to be in control, rather than have the disease control her. While suicide in Judaism is frowned upon, I am not sure how that would be viewed in terms of someone that is consciously avoiding pain and suffering. And of course, is it even suicide? 

When you sign up for healthcare in Canada you automatically get an Organ Donor's form. There are differences in opinion here in terms of Judaism as the intention is for the body to be buried intact, however from what I have read, immediate transplantation of an organ from donor to recipient is acceptable, as long as the organs are not stored i.e. used for research. I see unbelievable stories of patients saved through acts of donation, life from death and yet I have not been able to bring myself to sign the card. Keith says they can have everything except for his eyes, someone else I know says they can have everything except for her skin. Even in death, from life, we have a preference. I wonder what we are worried about?

I have strong beliefs about what I think happens after we die. I wrote about that here. I believe that this is not the end. I think that there are truths to parallel dimensions, I think that there are truths to the collective consciousness, I think that there is life after death, and life after life. Interestingly I do not believe that there is resurrection but maybe it is that part of me that has been taught of the coming of the Messiah who will resurrect, that prevents me from signing that organ donor card.

One day I will be gone. I can thankfully not predict when that will be, or how it will happen. I know it will not be by my own hand, but it may be be by another or by another name. As I wrote before, I hope I am remembered but I accept I will be forgotten. Maybe I will save a life.

In the meantime I ain't going nowhere 'cos god knows I don't want to be left out!

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